How can you be so unhappy with yourself and yet unable to fix the thing you're most unhappy about? I HATE that I'm as big as I am. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the buldge over my pants. I hate having to suck in to look like a shirt is just a little too tight. I hate not being able to buy an outfit I like because I'm too wide for it. I hate knowing I'm full and still putting food in my mouth.
The thing I hate most is I know how to fix it. I know I need to watch what I eat and work out more. I've done it before. I was always over 190 pounds in highschool and when I was in my 2nd year at college, I decided to fix it. I started a food journal and switched to drinking Diet Coke instead of Coke. I lost 50 pounds.
I met the Sperm Donor and was feeling hot for the first time in my life. I ended up pregnant and gained about 80 pounds. The day I gave birth to my son I weighed in at 236 pounds. I did well and got down to about 200 pounds when he was 5 weeks old. I started my food journal again. This time I got down to 145 pounds. I was soooo happy. Next thing I knew, I was up to 179 pounds.
I have stayed above 170 pounds since. It is like I'm anchored to 175 pounds and just float around it from week to week. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be at a healthier weight and I feel like I'm so miserable that it would be easy for me. It's not. I see food and I have to eat it...even when I'm not hungry. I don't know how to stop myself. I start working out and it lasts for about a month. Then I stop one day because I'm tired and it's like I can't start again. I LOVE working out. It feels so good and I feel better about myself (even when I haven't lost any weight from it). I don't understand why I continue doing something I hate (eating) and can't make myself do something I love (working out). It doesn't make any sense to me. I don't know how to turn myself around. I want to be skinnier but I don't want to be one of those girls that's a stick and stares at the person eating a burger as if they would give up their first born for a lick.
I just don't know how to change myself. I am stressed, tired, and depressed which makes me eat which makes me depressed, stressed, and tired. It's a visous cycle that I can't get out of. I want to be happy and health.
2 comments:
I'm crying as I write this... because I'm there. I'm right there with you, except that I'm 250 lbs right now. As I'm shoveling carbs in my mouth, I'm thinking "Hmm, I really shouldn't be eating this".
I'm obese. I'm miserable. I want to do something about it, but I'm tired and I'm depressed... so I just continue in the cycle. I see all my friends losing weight online and I just cry.
*hugs* I'm with you. Lets do this together, okay? I love you.
*hugs* I love you, too.
Post a Comment