Really?

I'm going to fucking cry.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know it's the end of the semester and life is just plain crazy now, but do I really need these curve balls thrown? I knew I was going to have a busy month because Easter is this weekend and I have 3 families to attend to, classes end next week so I have finals all next week, and Aiden's birthday party is next Saturday.

Now, on top of that, my fucking chinchilla RayRay is dying. We don't know how to save him and he's pretty fucking sick. He's only 4! I don't know if it's my fault, but I feel like it is. I keep blaming myself because I thought it was just something he would "come out of" so by the time he got to the vet, his body was already shutting down. I'm so pissed at myself. So I got that news today from the vet he's staying with right now. Her exact words were "You might want to come visit tomorrow but I'll be perfectly honest, I don't know that he'll make it tonight." Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks, doc! I'm going to be at the vet as soon as they open at 10. I'll either be picking up my dead chinchilla to bury at my dad's or I'll be picking up my dying chinchilla to have him kick it in my arms. Oh to always have such wonderful choices!

So I'm already really stressed, plus I am upset about my RayRay, so I go to spend time with my mother (who I haven't seen in about a month, if not more) and dye eggs with her and my son. We spent more time there than we meant to so I rushed home to do my Corporate Finance quiz that is due at 11:59. I knew it was cool because I had 2 hours to do a quiz that would take me 30 mins max. I go to log on...the server is down until 7AM. WTF?! So now I will get a 0 on a quiz that I really needed a 90 or above on because we only get to drop 2 quiz grades and I already had 2 quizzes that were in the 40's (the rest are 90 to 100). So yeah....I'm fucked because one of those 40's will have to stay. The message that they posted with the notice saying it was down? I quote:

"Faculty should schedule quiz and assignment submission deadlines BEFORE the maintenance period begins. (10:00 pm instead of midnight)  Students should plan to complete work BEFORE the maintenance begins. "

If I had KNOWN you were going to shut down the site at 10PM, I WOULD have completed my work BEFORE the maintenance.

Fuck you.

Weight

How can you be so unhappy with yourself and yet unable to fix the thing you're most unhappy about? I HATE that I'm as big as I am. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the buldge over my pants. I hate having to suck in to look like a shirt is just a little too tight. I hate not being able to buy an outfit I like because I'm too wide for it. I hate knowing I'm full and still putting food in my mouth.

The thing I hate most is I know how to fix it. I know I need to watch what I eat and work out more. I've done it before. I was always over 190 pounds in highschool and when I was in my 2nd year at college, I decided to fix it. I started a food journal and switched to drinking Diet Coke instead of Coke. I lost 50 pounds.

I met the Sperm Donor and was feeling hot for the first time in my life. I ended up pregnant and gained about 80 pounds. The day I gave birth to my son I weighed in at 236 pounds. I did well and got down to about 200 pounds when he was 5 weeks old. I started my food journal again. This time I got down to 145 pounds. I was soooo happy. Next thing I knew, I was up to 179 pounds.

I have stayed above 170 pounds since. It is like I'm anchored to 175 pounds and just float around it from week to week. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be at a healthier weight and I feel like I'm so miserable that it would be easy for me. It's not. I see food and I have to eat it...even when I'm not hungry. I don't know how to stop myself. I start working out and it lasts for about a month. Then I stop one day because I'm tired and it's like I can't start again. I LOVE working out. It feels so good and I feel better about myself (even when I haven't lost any weight from it). I don't understand why I continue doing something I hate (eating) and can't make myself do something I love (working out). It doesn't make any sense to me. I don't know how to turn myself around. I want to be skinnier but I don't want to be one of those girls that's a stick and stares at the person eating a burger as if they would give up their first born for a lick.

I just don't know how to change myself. I am stressed, tired, and depressed which makes me eat which makes me depressed, stressed, and tired. It's a visous cycle that I can't get out of. I want to be happy and health.

Happy

I woke up this morning and I was actually happy. I felt rested and nothing in my body hurt. It has been a very, very long time since I could say that.

I haven't had much to write about over this past week even though I've had a couple of panic attacks and a few dramas. Everything that happened has been relatively small and I was able to vent to one or two people and be fine about it.

I think one of my biggest reliefs is knowing that school is almost over. Not just this semester but the whole damn thing. I have three weeks left of this semester and then about two months after that of my summer class and I'm done. Like...almost too crispy done. I don't think I could go another semester. I am planning on trying to go back eventually to get my biology degree, but it's not anywhere in the near future.

I have started planning my graduation party. I'm going to have a summer party even though I don't actually graduate until December. My thinking (and people have agreed) is that I'll be DONE in July/August, so why not celebrate then? Plus, a summer party is much easier/more fun than a winter party. One of my friends has bought all the decorations. Another friend has TOLD me I'm going to use her house. lol We're going to have a blast.

I'm happy. I like this feeling a lot. I hope it starts staying with me longer and visiting more often. :)