Coaster

I feel like I'm on a big, huge, hilly roller coaster. My emotions are just really up and down lately. It's so bad that I even have mixed feelings about the same things. I suffer from (self diagnosed, more on that later I'm sure) anxiety already, so all these mixed emotions are really taking their toll on my body.

Depressed: I want a new job because I feel like I'm not going to go anywhere at my current location. I also feel like I am hurting my family instead of helping by working there. I get so frustrated with some of the associates and customers that everyday I have to keep myself from walking out for good. It isn't helping with my stress level at home. Although I try not to take it out on my son, sometimes we do have issues where he has to just sit quietly watching a movie or playing a game, or mommy feels like she'll snap. I don't want a life like that for him or me. I've also talked about how I am on all these government assistance programs. I want off of them. I want to be able to provide for my family. That's not possible where I work.

Excited: I hate job hunting, but I am sooooo excited about a new life with new possibilities. I want to start saving money again.

Depressed: I am overweight and the scale just keeps getting higher. I'm depressed because I eat and I eat because I'm depressed. It's the classic problem of weight loss/gain.

Excited: I went to the doctor yesterday (not about weight) and just asked if she'd heard about this current weight loss thing. She said she knows about it but doesn't know ABOUT it...ya know? She gave me a prescription to try for a month to see if I like it. She told me to go back on my food journal and exercise program that I had going and the prescription should help keep me on track.

Depressed: My knee is STILL hurting from my accident back in September. In fact, the swelling and bruising hasn't changed at all.

Excited: My doctor is sending me to another doctor to see if we can get it fixed up.

Worried: I don't know if this means surgery is needed. She looked at my knee, touched it, and right away said she was referring me out.

Excited: I ordered a 2011 Ribbon Blue Metallic Prius II.

Worried: Will my savings from gas and insurance really make up for the extra cost in the car payment? Am I over estimating my savings? I spend almost $300 in gas every month. The consumer buyers guide thingy for the Prius said the average annual amount spent on gas is $900. If that's really true, then I'll be just fine.

Depressed: I have to go to class every Tuesday and Thursday. There are assignments due every 2 or 3 days in this class (including Saturdays!)

Excited: I will be a college graduate on July 21st! My graduation party is going to be July 23rd. I already have a bunch of decorations and a great little party planning group going. Some stuff is really coming together with it and I actually go all tingly thinking about it.

Excited: My Aussie will finally be coming to see me!!!!! After 2 1/2 years of talking about it, he is finally getting his ass on the plane to see me. He'll be here for my graduation party. Now my problem is making sure I don't plan TOO much for the week he'll be here.

Depressed: My Aussie is finally coming to see me, but I have to wait until closer to my graduation party.

See, those are just some of the examples I live with every day. Just writing that made my chest feel tight and my arms go numb. Oh, I'll tell you about my self diagnosed anxiety then I'll finish this up.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have noticed more blackouts, heart palpitations (I've always had these), and the likes. When my son was a few months old, the symptoms were actually worse. His aunt was going through something similar and had already visited the heart doctor. I got worried because I'm a single mom and I didn't want anything to happen to me and him end up with his dad. On her suggestion, I went to see the doctor. We did all the stress tests and the mobile monitoring thing. My heart is soooooooo healthy. I have great blood pressure. They never saw anything wrong on my tests. All they said was it's not your heart. Ok...so relief there. The symptoms wouldn't go away though, so I started looking online. I found a thing called "testing anxiety." It is where you have an attack when you feel like you're being focused on or what you do is REALLY going to matter. They call it testing anxiety because they find it a lot in people during tests or interviews, etc. That's me! So yeah, I've noticed my symptoms are much worse in those situations. Therefore, I'm self diagnosed.