Trust

Trust
–noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope. (dictionary.com)

 

This is a hard one for me to write because I'm admitting I'm damaged. I lack trust in people. Not in your everyday person, for some reason, I trust those people too much. I'll believe anything people say to me sometimes. I'm talking about the people you really should trust, your love interest or significant others, whatever you want to call them.

 

I used to trust my very first boyfriend without any trouble. He lived four hours away from me and we only saw each other on the weekends and I had no trouble at all. I was the one that broke that relationship off for reason other than broken trust. He didn't damage me at all. If anything, he showed me what I really need to be looking for and what is "excitement" and what is "love". I was excited about having my first boyfriend but I wasn't really in love like I thought. I hope he has figured out the same thing by now and knows what he's supposed to be looking for as well.

 

My next boyfriend is the one that broke me. It was a wild and quick (and bumpy) romance that only lasted five months (or so we thought). He cheated, smoked, drank, did drugs, sold drugs, yelled, called me names, etc. I think the only thing he didn't do to hurt me was hit me. I thank him for that but the rest of it was hell. I don't know why I did it. If I believed in a god or fate or what not, I'd say I was put through that so I could have my son. I ended up pregnant. We had no idea, if fact, we were already broken up and moving on when I found out and had to go back to tell him.

 

We tried to be nice to each other for the baby's sake but he didn't change at all. He did the same things he did before I got pregnant. I realized that was not the man I wanted my baby around so I left. He is referred to as the Sperm Donor because I don't like calling him the father of my child. MY child. He does nothing so he deserves nothing...but that's a different post.

 

Anyway, the point is, he broke my trust so much that it is missing pieces and I can't put it all the way back together.

 

Fast forward a few boys that didn't help my broken trust issues much and made the edges a little more jagged instead of smooth like they were supposed to.

 

Now we're at the present. I've met this wonderful person that I want to believe in so much it hurts. It is so hard. It doesn't help that it's another long distance relationship. If fact, we've never met in person, never been in the same room as each other. I WANT to believe that he feels the same way as I do and, on most days, I truly do believe. It's the nights that I can't talk to him. In the back of my head, I wonder, "Where is he? Who is he with? What is he doing?" And it's not because HE did anything. It's because of my past. I hate that. I want to trust again. The second guessing and always wondering is wearing me out.

 

Maybe he'll be my glue.

Time

I work my ass off.

I'm not afraid to say that about myself because it is too true. I am a single mom so I'm ALWAYS working there. I am a full-time student with 18 hours this semester (graduate in August *does happy dance*). And I am a part-time worker who gets anywhere between 27 to 39 hours per week (I don't think they understand what "part-time" means). At work, I do my own work, the work of the other associates, and the work of my manager. Oh but I only get paid the minimum for my work....but that's a whole nother post there.

I am tired.

I am taking 6 classes this semester and I know that April is going to be a hard month for me. I have to go to class, take exams, do projects, write papers, and meet with groups (*rolls eyes*). I have my son's birthday party on the 30th. I have a wedding on the 16th. I'm sure there's more that I just can't think of at the moment. I know I have to work to support my son so I'll be working a lot too.

I miss my son.

I want to cry every morning I drop him off at daycare because he waves at me and says, "Bye, Mommy! I see you in the morning!" Because he knows my mom, dad, or brother will be picking him up from school, feeding him dinner, and putting him to bed. He KNOWS he won't see me until he wakes up to get ready for daycare and have the routine repeat itself. My baby is growing up without me all under the disguise of me making a better future for us. Fuck the future. I want to see my baby grow up. I decided I was going to make a few changes in my schedule where I could. Of course I couldn't change my school schedule. It's done and I'm too close to finishing to mess it up. That left work. I decided I was going to change my availability. Here was my old one:

Mon 6a - 11a or 3:30p - 10p
Tues 3p - 10p
Wed 6a - 11a or 3:30p - 10p
Thurs 3p - 10p
Fri, Sat, Sun any

Here is my new one:

Mon 6a - 11a or 5p - 10p
Tues 4:30p - 10p
Wed 6a - 11a or 5p - 10p
Thurs 4:30p - 10p
Fri 6a - 4:30p
Sat off
Sun any

Not THAT different, right? Well apparently it pissed my store manager off. She followed it when she made this coming week's schedule and I got the hours I asked for, but she was upset about it. Has she said anything to ME about it? No. She's talking to other people about it. In fact, she hasn't said ONE WORD to me since I left the new hours on her desk. Fine. Be that way...as long as you follow what I requested because I'm part-time and you work me like a fucking dog but pay me worse. I'm going to start making time for my son.

Kiss it.

Warning

I have decided to start writing this blog as a stress reliever. I have a lot of things going on in my life and I hold a lot of stress in. It is physically starting to manifest and I just can't handle it anymore. In this blog, I am not going to hold back. Read it if you want, but this is your only warning. I am probably going to offend people at one point or another. It isn't personal. It's just what is in my head at the moment I sit down to write. I'm not promising this will be a daily blog, but I'm sure at first it will be (as much as I have time for at least). So like I said, this is your only warning. I don't want to hear bitching or anything like I must not like you or blah, blah, blah. This is my blog filled with my thoughts. Nothing to do with you. Stop reading now if that is something you don't think you can agree to.

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If you're still reading, congrats. You think you're a mature adult. This is my life so buckle up and hold on.