Trust

Trust
–noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope. (dictionary.com)

 

This is a hard one for me to write because I'm admitting I'm damaged. I lack trust in people. Not in your everyday person, for some reason, I trust those people too much. I'll believe anything people say to me sometimes. I'm talking about the people you really should trust, your love interest or significant others, whatever you want to call them.

 

I used to trust my very first boyfriend without any trouble. He lived four hours away from me and we only saw each other on the weekends and I had no trouble at all. I was the one that broke that relationship off for reason other than broken trust. He didn't damage me at all. If anything, he showed me what I really need to be looking for and what is "excitement" and what is "love". I was excited about having my first boyfriend but I wasn't really in love like I thought. I hope he has figured out the same thing by now and knows what he's supposed to be looking for as well.

 

My next boyfriend is the one that broke me. It was a wild and quick (and bumpy) romance that only lasted five months (or so we thought). He cheated, smoked, drank, did drugs, sold drugs, yelled, called me names, etc. I think the only thing he didn't do to hurt me was hit me. I thank him for that but the rest of it was hell. I don't know why I did it. If I believed in a god or fate or what not, I'd say I was put through that so I could have my son. I ended up pregnant. We had no idea, if fact, we were already broken up and moving on when I found out and had to go back to tell him.

 

We tried to be nice to each other for the baby's sake but he didn't change at all. He did the same things he did before I got pregnant. I realized that was not the man I wanted my baby around so I left. He is referred to as the Sperm Donor because I don't like calling him the father of my child. MY child. He does nothing so he deserves nothing...but that's a different post.

 

Anyway, the point is, he broke my trust so much that it is missing pieces and I can't put it all the way back together.

 

Fast forward a few boys that didn't help my broken trust issues much and made the edges a little more jagged instead of smooth like they were supposed to.

 

Now we're at the present. I've met this wonderful person that I want to believe in so much it hurts. It is so hard. It doesn't help that it's another long distance relationship. If fact, we've never met in person, never been in the same room as each other. I WANT to believe that he feels the same way as I do and, on most days, I truly do believe. It's the nights that I can't talk to him. In the back of my head, I wonder, "Where is he? Who is he with? What is he doing?" And it's not because HE did anything. It's because of my past. I hate that. I want to trust again. The second guessing and always wondering is wearing me out.

 

Maybe he'll be my glue.