Have you ever been so excited you felt like you were going to be sick? Well, that's where I am right now. I have sooooo much going on in the next few weeks that I feel like I'm going to explode...or vomit. One of those.
Excitement #1:
The Toyota dealership that I'm working with called me last Thursday and said my Prius should be in sometime this week. I'm so excited that I'm worried when I finally see it in the lot, I'm going to cry. I've got mixed emotions about this car because I want it so bad, I'm worried I'm deluding myself into thinking I can handle it. I'm pretty positive I can handle it, but I've been hit with the financial crisis stick before. That's my biggest fear is that, although I'm doing well right now, I'm going to get this car and the bottom is going to fall out on me.
Excitement #2:
My Aussie is in the states!!!!!!! Granted, he's not in MY state but that will be fixed in a matter of days. :) I am so excited. Everyone is asking if I'm nervous since we've never met. My answer to them is always, "Why would I be?" We've been talking for 2 1/2 years (getting closer to 3 years now) and we've done a couple web cam sessions. We've talked on the phone. We've shared pictures. What's there to be nervous about?
Excitement #3:
I will be a college graduate in 9 days! I have my last exam for my class, my exit exam, a group presentation, and then one last day to watch the rest of the groups present and I'm dooooooooooooone. I'm going to have my B.B.A. in Managerial Sciences. I'm thinking about going back for my Masters, but that's a bridge we'll cross when we come to it. For now, I'll be done with school.
Excitement #4:
I am having a graduation party in 11 days! Everything is going well with the planning. I think we're going to have a pretty rocking party if I do say so myself. I've had a lot of help getting it together and I am very, VERY thankful for all the help and shared excitement. I think this party is going to be so epic because of all the faith and help I've had during my long struggle in school. This party is kind of like a big pat on the back for EVERYone who has helped me in my studies. On a side note, I bought 50 invitations and the only one I have left is the one I kept for myself. :)
Excitement #5:
It's time for me to get a new phone! My phone has been giving me fits for the past couple of months and it's getting worse by the hour. I LOVE my Droid, but it is a computer and computers go bad. I'm looking at getting the Droid 2 Global since it's like the only one left that still has a slide out keyboard.
Excitement #6:
I've lost almost 10 pounds in just over 3 weeks!!!! I'm feeling great and my dieting isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I've stopped drinking Diet Coke and I don't eat sweets. Yesterday, I ran through a drive thru on the way to a party and just quickly ordered a meal with a Diet. I remembered to ask for grilled chicken and no mayo, but, like a dufus, forgot that their meals come with fries. I gave in and said one day of fries won't hurt me. I could only eat a handful of them. My body did NOT want them. I did drink the Diet Coke but quickly got a MASSIVE headache following it. Later on, my son and I got an Arctic Blast to share since I think it's crazy to spend almost $4 on a bottled water. He didn't like it and I could only take a few sips. Then towards the end when we were all packing up, the cupcakes were passed out. I did eat mine since it was a birthday party :) but after the first lick I said that it was too sweet. ME! *I* said a cupcake was too sweet! Can you believe that? I am amazed that, in so short a time, my body is beginning to reject the things that used to be the staples of my diet.
I'm really happy I was able to post a good blog today. I've had all this excitement bottled within me for a few weeks now and, like I've already said, I felt like I was going to explode. I'm glad I could share it with you, and I hope you can feel some of the excitement. :)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Coaster
I feel like I'm on a big, huge, hilly roller coaster. My emotions are just really up and down lately. It's so bad that I even have mixed feelings about the same things. I suffer from (self diagnosed, more on that later I'm sure) anxiety already, so all these mixed emotions are really taking their toll on my body.
Depressed: I want a new job because I feel like I'm not going to go anywhere at my current location. I also feel like I am hurting my family instead of helping by working there. I get so frustrated with some of the associates and customers that everyday I have to keep myself from walking out for good. It isn't helping with my stress level at home. Although I try not to take it out on my son, sometimes we do have issues where he has to just sit quietly watching a movie or playing a game, or mommy feels like she'll snap. I don't want a life like that for him or me. I've also talked about how I am on all these government assistance programs. I want off of them. I want to be able to provide for my family. That's not possible where I work.
Excited: I hate job hunting, but I am sooooo excited about a new life with new possibilities. I want to start saving money again.
Depressed: I am overweight and the scale just keeps getting higher. I'm depressed because I eat and I eat because I'm depressed. It's the classic problem of weight loss/gain.
Excited: I went to the doctor yesterday (not about weight) and just asked if she'd heard about this current weight loss thing. She said she knows about it but doesn't know ABOUT it...ya know? She gave me a prescription to try for a month to see if I like it. She told me to go back on my food journal and exercise program that I had going and the prescription should help keep me on track.
Depressed: My knee is STILL hurting from my accident back in September. In fact, the swelling and bruising hasn't changed at all.
Excited: My doctor is sending me to another doctor to see if we can get it fixed up.
Worried: I don't know if this means surgery is needed. She looked at my knee, touched it, and right away said she was referring me out.
Excited: I ordered a 2011 Ribbon Blue Metallic Prius II.
Worried: Will my savings from gas and insurance really make up for the extra cost in the car payment? Am I over estimating my savings? I spend almost $300 in gas every month. The consumer buyers guide thingy for the Prius said the average annual amount spent on gas is $900. If that's really true, then I'll be just fine.
Depressed: I have to go to class every Tuesday and Thursday. There are assignments due every 2 or 3 days in this class (including Saturdays!)
Excited: I will be a college graduate on July 21st! My graduation party is going to be July 23rd. I already have a bunch of decorations and a great little party planning group going. Some stuff is really coming together with it and I actually go all tingly thinking about it.
Excited: My Aussie will finally be coming to see me!!!!! After 2 1/2 years of talking about it, he is finally getting his ass on the plane to see me. He'll be here for my graduation party. Now my problem is making sure I don't plan TOO much for the week he'll be here.
Depressed: My Aussie is finally coming to see me, but I have to wait until closer to my graduation party.
See, those are just some of the examples I live with every day. Just writing that made my chest feel tight and my arms go numb. Oh, I'll tell you about my self diagnosed anxiety then I'll finish this up.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have noticed more blackouts, heart palpitations (I've always had these), and the likes. When my son was a few months old, the symptoms were actually worse. His aunt was going through something similar and had already visited the heart doctor. I got worried because I'm a single mom and I didn't want anything to happen to me and him end up with his dad. On her suggestion, I went to see the doctor. We did all the stress tests and the mobile monitoring thing. My heart is soooooooo healthy. I have great blood pressure. They never saw anything wrong on my tests. All they said was it's not your heart. Ok...so relief there. The symptoms wouldn't go away though, so I started looking online. I found a thing called "testing anxiety." It is where you have an attack when you feel like you're being focused on or what you do is REALLY going to matter. They call it testing anxiety because they find it a lot in people during tests or interviews, etc. That's me! So yeah, I've noticed my symptoms are much worse in those situations. Therefore, I'm self diagnosed.
Depressed: I want a new job because I feel like I'm not going to go anywhere at my current location. I also feel like I am hurting my family instead of helping by working there. I get so frustrated with some of the associates and customers that everyday I have to keep myself from walking out for good. It isn't helping with my stress level at home. Although I try not to take it out on my son, sometimes we do have issues where he has to just sit quietly watching a movie or playing a game, or mommy feels like she'll snap. I don't want a life like that for him or me. I've also talked about how I am on all these government assistance programs. I want off of them. I want to be able to provide for my family. That's not possible where I work.
Excited: I hate job hunting, but I am sooooo excited about a new life with new possibilities. I want to start saving money again.
Depressed: I am overweight and the scale just keeps getting higher. I'm depressed because I eat and I eat because I'm depressed. It's the classic problem of weight loss/gain.
Excited: I went to the doctor yesterday (not about weight) and just asked if she'd heard about this current weight loss thing. She said she knows about it but doesn't know ABOUT it...ya know? She gave me a prescription to try for a month to see if I like it. She told me to go back on my food journal and exercise program that I had going and the prescription should help keep me on track.
Depressed: My knee is STILL hurting from my accident back in September. In fact, the swelling and bruising hasn't changed at all.
Excited: My doctor is sending me to another doctor to see if we can get it fixed up.
Worried: I don't know if this means surgery is needed. She looked at my knee, touched it, and right away said she was referring me out.
Excited: I ordered a 2011 Ribbon Blue Metallic Prius II.
Worried: Will my savings from gas and insurance really make up for the extra cost in the car payment? Am I over estimating my savings? I spend almost $300 in gas every month. The consumer buyers guide thingy for the Prius said the average annual amount spent on gas is $900. If that's really true, then I'll be just fine.
Depressed: I have to go to class every Tuesday and Thursday. There are assignments due every 2 or 3 days in this class (including Saturdays!)
Excited: I will be a college graduate on July 21st! My graduation party is going to be July 23rd. I already have a bunch of decorations and a great little party planning group going. Some stuff is really coming together with it and I actually go all tingly thinking about it.
Excited: My Aussie will finally be coming to see me!!!!! After 2 1/2 years of talking about it, he is finally getting his ass on the plane to see me. He'll be here for my graduation party. Now my problem is making sure I don't plan TOO much for the week he'll be here.
Depressed: My Aussie is finally coming to see me, but I have to wait until closer to my graduation party.
See, those are just some of the examples I live with every day. Just writing that made my chest feel tight and my arms go numb. Oh, I'll tell you about my self diagnosed anxiety then I'll finish this up.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have noticed more blackouts, heart palpitations (I've always had these), and the likes. When my son was a few months old, the symptoms were actually worse. His aunt was going through something similar and had already visited the heart doctor. I got worried because I'm a single mom and I didn't want anything to happen to me and him end up with his dad. On her suggestion, I went to see the doctor. We did all the stress tests and the mobile monitoring thing. My heart is soooooooo healthy. I have great blood pressure. They never saw anything wrong on my tests. All they said was it's not your heart. Ok...so relief there. The symptoms wouldn't go away though, so I started looking online. I found a thing called "testing anxiety." It is where you have an attack when you feel like you're being focused on or what you do is REALLY going to matter. They call it testing anxiety because they find it a lot in people during tests or interviews, etc. That's me! So yeah, I've noticed my symptoms are much worse in those situations. Therefore, I'm self diagnosed.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Want
I am having problems with correcting my son about his usage of "want" vs. "need." He believes everything is "I need..." so I correct him and say, "You don't NEED, you WANT."
Personally, I'm having the opposite problem. I WANT everything.
I want a new/better job.
I want to buy/live in a house.
I want a new car.
I want my house to be clean.
I want a boyfriend I can touch.
I want to lose weight.
I want more money.
"I want a new/better job." I love my job. I really, truly do. I hate driving to my job. I get frustrated with people at my job constantly. I don't make enough money at my job. I know the bullshit politics that my job makes you go through and they almost NEVER live up to promises. I'm not allowed to have a set schedule even though I'm a single mom. I want a job that is closer to home, has better hours, pays more, and will actually let you move up in the company.
"I want to buy/live in a house." I am sick of my townhome. It's too small for us. I'm tired of living in the complex I do as well. I want to live in a house that is big enough for us. I don't want to have people up against my walls anymore. I want to have a yard for my son to play in. I want a fenced backyard so I can have dogs again. I want a place of my own that I can decorate and call home.
"I want a new car." I love my car. It's new and beautiful and runs great. I miss my old car that was very rudely taken away from me by nature and a concrete wall. It was a hybrid and I can really tell the difference between my last car and my new car at the gas pump. It's killing me. I'm looking for another hybrid, but they're so fucking expensive. Why is healthy/good for you things so damn expensive? The world wonders why it's so hard for people to make healthy choices. *rolls eyes*
"I want my house to be clean." I cannot make it happen. I've tried. I feel like everytime I make a dent in this mess, something comes along and makes an even BIGGER mess than was there before. I just don't know how to get a handle on it. Everytime I get this place half way decent, I promise myself that this is it. No more getting buried in mess. In no time at all, I feel like I can't breath in this place because it's back to how it was.
"I want a boyfriend I can touch." This one is a hard one. I am in love and I've never been in the same room with him. We click so well. I jokingly say he's the male me. :) I'm a very touchy/demanding person when it comes to relationships. To be with someone that I can't use my 5 senses on is VERY hard for me. Not being involved in his day to day life is even worse. I have really bad trust issues and I try to surpress them, but it's not easy for me. I think if I had some kind of a more...solid? relationship with him, it'd be so much easier.
"I want to lose weight." I am having so much trouble with this one. I was looking at pictures of myself from just ONE year ago and I can tell I have gained weight. I will NOT go back up to where I was before. I refuse. I have to find a way to get a handle on this. I tried going back to my old weight loss method, but it won't stick this time for some reason. I get distracted or start making excuses and then it just fades away. I think I am going to start by not eating out. I seriously eat out at least once a day...sometimes twice. Fortunately, I am not the one paying, but unfortunately, I seem to think leftovers are a bad thing. I always clean my plate even when halfway through, I announce I'm full.
"I want more money." I am able to provide for my family but it's not easy. I am on assistance programs, but just barely. If ANYthing tips me out of these programs, I'm screwed. I would NOT be able to support my family. I want more money so that I CAN get off these programs but still be okay with our finances. I don't want to go out shopping every weekend or go out to clubs every Friday night. I just want to be able to buy my son a happy meal or take him to a movie once and a while.
All of these things are things that I WANT. Do I NEED them? No. But it sure would be fucking nice to have.
Personally, I'm having the opposite problem. I WANT everything.
I want a new/better job.
I want to buy/live in a house.
I want a new car.
I want my house to be clean.
I want a boyfriend I can touch.
I want to lose weight.
I want more money.
"I want a new/better job." I love my job. I really, truly do. I hate driving to my job. I get frustrated with people at my job constantly. I don't make enough money at my job. I know the bullshit politics that my job makes you go through and they almost NEVER live up to promises. I'm not allowed to have a set schedule even though I'm a single mom. I want a job that is closer to home, has better hours, pays more, and will actually let you move up in the company.
"I want to buy/live in a house." I am sick of my townhome. It's too small for us. I'm tired of living in the complex I do as well. I want to live in a house that is big enough for us. I don't want to have people up against my walls anymore. I want to have a yard for my son to play in. I want a fenced backyard so I can have dogs again. I want a place of my own that I can decorate and call home.
"I want a new car." I love my car. It's new and beautiful and runs great. I miss my old car that was very rudely taken away from me by nature and a concrete wall. It was a hybrid and I can really tell the difference between my last car and my new car at the gas pump. It's killing me. I'm looking for another hybrid, but they're so fucking expensive. Why is healthy/good for you things so damn expensive? The world wonders why it's so hard for people to make healthy choices. *rolls eyes*
"I want my house to be clean." I cannot make it happen. I've tried. I feel like everytime I make a dent in this mess, something comes along and makes an even BIGGER mess than was there before. I just don't know how to get a handle on it. Everytime I get this place half way decent, I promise myself that this is it. No more getting buried in mess. In no time at all, I feel like I can't breath in this place because it's back to how it was.
"I want a boyfriend I can touch." This one is a hard one. I am in love and I've never been in the same room with him. We click so well. I jokingly say he's the male me. :) I'm a very touchy/demanding person when it comes to relationships. To be with someone that I can't use my 5 senses on is VERY hard for me. Not being involved in his day to day life is even worse. I have really bad trust issues and I try to surpress them, but it's not easy for me. I think if I had some kind of a more...solid? relationship with him, it'd be so much easier.
"I want to lose weight." I am having so much trouble with this one. I was looking at pictures of myself from just ONE year ago and I can tell I have gained weight. I will NOT go back up to where I was before. I refuse. I have to find a way to get a handle on this. I tried going back to my old weight loss method, but it won't stick this time for some reason. I get distracted or start making excuses and then it just fades away. I think I am going to start by not eating out. I seriously eat out at least once a day...sometimes twice. Fortunately, I am not the one paying, but unfortunately, I seem to think leftovers are a bad thing. I always clean my plate even when halfway through, I announce I'm full.
"I want more money." I am able to provide for my family but it's not easy. I am on assistance programs, but just barely. If ANYthing tips me out of these programs, I'm screwed. I would NOT be able to support my family. I want more money so that I CAN get off these programs but still be okay with our finances. I don't want to go out shopping every weekend or go out to clubs every Friday night. I just want to be able to buy my son a happy meal or take him to a movie once and a while.
All of these things are things that I WANT. Do I NEED them? No. But it sure would be fucking nice to have.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Really?
I'm going to fucking cry.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know it's the end of the semester and life is just plain crazy now, but do I really need these curve balls thrown? I knew I was going to have a busy month because Easter is this weekend and I have 3 families to attend to, classes end next week so I have finals all next week, and Aiden's birthday party is next Saturday.
Now, on top of that, my fucking chinchilla RayRay is dying. We don't know how to save him and he's pretty fucking sick. He's only 4! I don't know if it's my fault, but I feel like it is. I keep blaming myself because I thought it was just something he would "come out of" so by the time he got to the vet, his body was already shutting down. I'm so pissed at myself. So I got that news today from the vet he's staying with right now. Her exact words were "You might want to come visit tomorrow but I'll be perfectly honest, I don't know that he'll make it tonight." Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks, doc! I'm going to be at the vet as soon as they open at 10. I'll either be picking up my dead chinchilla to bury at my dad's or I'll be picking up my dying chinchilla to have him kick it in my arms. Oh to always have such wonderful choices!
So I'm already really stressed, plus I am upset about my RayRay, so I go to spend time with my mother (who I haven't seen in about a month, if not more) and dye eggs with her and my son. We spent more time there than we meant to so I rushed home to do my Corporate Finance quiz that is due at 11:59. I knew it was cool because I had 2 hours to do a quiz that would take me 30 mins max. I go to log on...the server is down until 7AM. WTF?! So now I will get a 0 on a quiz that I really needed a 90 or above on because we only get to drop 2 quiz grades and I already had 2 quizzes that were in the 40's (the rest are 90 to 100). So yeah....I'm fucked because one of those 40's will have to stay. The message that they posted with the notice saying it was down? I quote:
"Faculty should schedule quiz and assignment submission deadlines BEFORE the maintenance period begins. (10:00 pm instead of midnight) Students should plan to complete work BEFORE the maintenance begins. "
If I had KNOWN you were going to shut down the site at 10PM, I WOULD have completed my work BEFORE the maintenance.
Fuck you.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know it's the end of the semester and life is just plain crazy now, but do I really need these curve balls thrown? I knew I was going to have a busy month because Easter is this weekend and I have 3 families to attend to, classes end next week so I have finals all next week, and Aiden's birthday party is next Saturday.
Now, on top of that, my fucking chinchilla RayRay is dying. We don't know how to save him and he's pretty fucking sick. He's only 4! I don't know if it's my fault, but I feel like it is. I keep blaming myself because I thought it was just something he would "come out of" so by the time he got to the vet, his body was already shutting down. I'm so pissed at myself. So I got that news today from the vet he's staying with right now. Her exact words were "You might want to come visit tomorrow but I'll be perfectly honest, I don't know that he'll make it tonight." Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks, doc! I'm going to be at the vet as soon as they open at 10. I'll either be picking up my dead chinchilla to bury at my dad's or I'll be picking up my dying chinchilla to have him kick it in my arms. Oh to always have such wonderful choices!
So I'm already really stressed, plus I am upset about my RayRay, so I go to spend time with my mother (who I haven't seen in about a month, if not more) and dye eggs with her and my son. We spent more time there than we meant to so I rushed home to do my Corporate Finance quiz that is due at 11:59. I knew it was cool because I had 2 hours to do a quiz that would take me 30 mins max. I go to log on...the server is down until 7AM. WTF?! So now I will get a 0 on a quiz that I really needed a 90 or above on because we only get to drop 2 quiz grades and I already had 2 quizzes that were in the 40's (the rest are 90 to 100). So yeah....I'm fucked because one of those 40's will have to stay. The message that they posted with the notice saying it was down? I quote:
"Faculty should schedule quiz and assignment submission deadlines BEFORE the maintenance period begins. (10:00 pm instead of midnight) Students should plan to complete work BEFORE the maintenance begins. "
If I had KNOWN you were going to shut down the site at 10PM, I WOULD have completed my work BEFORE the maintenance.
Fuck you.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Weight
How can you be so unhappy with yourself and yet unable to fix the thing you're most unhappy about? I HATE that I'm as big as I am. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the buldge over my pants. I hate having to suck in to look like a shirt is just a little too tight. I hate not being able to buy an outfit I like because I'm too wide for it. I hate knowing I'm full and still putting food in my mouth.
The thing I hate most is I know how to fix it. I know I need to watch what I eat and work out more. I've done it before. I was always over 190 pounds in highschool and when I was in my 2nd year at college, I decided to fix it. I started a food journal and switched to drinking Diet Coke instead of Coke. I lost 50 pounds.
I met the Sperm Donor and was feeling hot for the first time in my life. I ended up pregnant and gained about 80 pounds. The day I gave birth to my son I weighed in at 236 pounds. I did well and got down to about 200 pounds when he was 5 weeks old. I started my food journal again. This time I got down to 145 pounds. I was soooo happy. Next thing I knew, I was up to 179 pounds.
I have stayed above 170 pounds since. It is like I'm anchored to 175 pounds and just float around it from week to week. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be at a healthier weight and I feel like I'm so miserable that it would be easy for me. It's not. I see food and I have to eat it...even when I'm not hungry. I don't know how to stop myself. I start working out and it lasts for about a month. Then I stop one day because I'm tired and it's like I can't start again. I LOVE working out. It feels so good and I feel better about myself (even when I haven't lost any weight from it). I don't understand why I continue doing something I hate (eating) and can't make myself do something I love (working out). It doesn't make any sense to me. I don't know how to turn myself around. I want to be skinnier but I don't want to be one of those girls that's a stick and stares at the person eating a burger as if they would give up their first born for a lick.
I just don't know how to change myself. I am stressed, tired, and depressed which makes me eat which makes me depressed, stressed, and tired. It's a visous cycle that I can't get out of. I want to be happy and health.
The thing I hate most is I know how to fix it. I know I need to watch what I eat and work out more. I've done it before. I was always over 190 pounds in highschool and when I was in my 2nd year at college, I decided to fix it. I started a food journal and switched to drinking Diet Coke instead of Coke. I lost 50 pounds.
I met the Sperm Donor and was feeling hot for the first time in my life. I ended up pregnant and gained about 80 pounds. The day I gave birth to my son I weighed in at 236 pounds. I did well and got down to about 200 pounds when he was 5 weeks old. I started my food journal again. This time I got down to 145 pounds. I was soooo happy. Next thing I knew, I was up to 179 pounds.
I have stayed above 170 pounds since. It is like I'm anchored to 175 pounds and just float around it from week to week. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be at a healthier weight and I feel like I'm so miserable that it would be easy for me. It's not. I see food and I have to eat it...even when I'm not hungry. I don't know how to stop myself. I start working out and it lasts for about a month. Then I stop one day because I'm tired and it's like I can't start again. I LOVE working out. It feels so good and I feel better about myself (even when I haven't lost any weight from it). I don't understand why I continue doing something I hate (eating) and can't make myself do something I love (working out). It doesn't make any sense to me. I don't know how to turn myself around. I want to be skinnier but I don't want to be one of those girls that's a stick and stares at the person eating a burger as if they would give up their first born for a lick.
I just don't know how to change myself. I am stressed, tired, and depressed which makes me eat which makes me depressed, stressed, and tired. It's a visous cycle that I can't get out of. I want to be happy and health.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Happy
I woke up this morning and I was actually happy. I felt rested and nothing in my body hurt. It has been a very, very long time since I could say that.
I haven't had much to write about over this past week even though I've had a couple of panic attacks and a few dramas. Everything that happened has been relatively small and I was able to vent to one or two people and be fine about it.
I think one of my biggest reliefs is knowing that school is almost over. Not just this semester but the whole damn thing. I have three weeks left of this semester and then about two months after that of my summer class and I'm done. Like...almost too crispy done. I don't think I could go another semester. I am planning on trying to go back eventually to get my biology degree, but it's not anywhere in the near future.
I have started planning my graduation party. I'm going to have a summer party even though I don't actually graduate until December. My thinking (and people have agreed) is that I'll be DONE in July/August, so why not celebrate then? Plus, a summer party is much easier/more fun than a winter party. One of my friends has bought all the decorations. Another friend has TOLD me I'm going to use her house. lol We're going to have a blast.
I'm happy. I like this feeling a lot. I hope it starts staying with me longer and visiting more often. :)
I haven't had much to write about over this past week even though I've had a couple of panic attacks and a few dramas. Everything that happened has been relatively small and I was able to vent to one or two people and be fine about it.
I think one of my biggest reliefs is knowing that school is almost over. Not just this semester but the whole damn thing. I have three weeks left of this semester and then about two months after that of my summer class and I'm done. Like...almost too crispy done. I don't think I could go another semester. I am planning on trying to go back eventually to get my biology degree, but it's not anywhere in the near future.
I have started planning my graduation party. I'm going to have a summer party even though I don't actually graduate until December. My thinking (and people have agreed) is that I'll be DONE in July/August, so why not celebrate then? Plus, a summer party is much easier/more fun than a winter party. One of my friends has bought all the decorations. Another friend has TOLD me I'm going to use her house. lol We're going to have a blast.
I'm happy. I like this feeling a lot. I hope it starts staying with me longer and visiting more often. :)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
"Assistance"
I am not afraid to admit that I am a single mother that needs help taking care of my son. I have food stamps, CAPS, income based living, Aiden is on WellCare...
You have to jump through a lot of hoops to get all that shit.
A couple of weeks ago, I got a letter in the mail saying I was up for my annual review for CAPS (day care assistance). I did all my paper work, got all the required documents, and HAND delivered everything the day it was due. After that, I went about my business as usual.
I got a call today while I was in class from my case worker. She said there was some problems with my review. First, the four paystubs I'm required to turn in included a $0.15 raise. You HAVE to turn in the four most recent and, apparently, the first two I was making $8.60 and the next two I was making $8.75. She said that made it so she couldn't include the first two. Since I didn't turn in "four" paystubs, she had to log into her magical computer system that tells her all the secrets of the world (and yet, I still have to fill out pages and pages of paperwork...don't get it) and went all the way back to January. She then took an average of all my hours I've worked this year so far (okay...) and came up with 28 hours. In December, they sent out a letter saying you must work at least 30 hours a week. I know that, I said. But you only work 28 hours, she said. I said that it wasn't true but okay, I'm in school. Oh, but that's the next problem, she said.
My 18 hours of school doesn't count. Why, you ask? Because I go to a university and I'm working on a college degree. Make sense to you? No? Good, we're together on this then. I told my case worker that I didn't understand. She said that the only way it could be counted would be if I went to a technical college or was taking GED classes. Oooooookaaaaaay...
I pointed out that I am taking these classes to get my degree in management so that I could become a manager at my current place of employment. She said, "It doesn't matter, it's a university." Slow blink? Yeah, I did too. I told her I can't afford to pay for my son to go to daycare. She said, "I understand that." You do? Really? Coulda fooled me.
Of course I cried. A lot. Because I am a single mom that can't afford to take care of my son who is my life. I am trying to better myself so I can give him a better life. I am working my ass off for him. I am giving up precious time WITH him FOR him. Do I blame him? Not at all. He doesn't even know we're suffering and have been since the day I found out I was pregnant with him.
What makes me so mad about this is I am trying to get OFF welfare by going to these classes and working as much as I do (which is well over 30 hours a week but the average fucked up my time). What I don't understand is why can women who OBVIOUSLY aren't trying to get off welfare, in fact, are very happy ON welfare, get EVERY fucking program out there? How can women walk into the DFCS office with their Coach purses and fake nails and Baby Phat clothes and no one bats an eye? Their job IS staying on welfare.
How the FUCK is that "assistance" for the needy?
You have to jump through a lot of hoops to get all that shit.
A couple of weeks ago, I got a letter in the mail saying I was up for my annual review for CAPS (day care assistance). I did all my paper work, got all the required documents, and HAND delivered everything the day it was due. After that, I went about my business as usual.
I got a call today while I was in class from my case worker. She said there was some problems with my review. First, the four paystubs I'm required to turn in included a $0.15 raise. You HAVE to turn in the four most recent and, apparently, the first two I was making $8.60 and the next two I was making $8.75. She said that made it so she couldn't include the first two. Since I didn't turn in "four" paystubs, she had to log into her magical computer system that tells her all the secrets of the world (and yet, I still have to fill out pages and pages of paperwork...don't get it) and went all the way back to January. She then took an average of all my hours I've worked this year so far (okay...) and came up with 28 hours. In December, they sent out a letter saying you must work at least 30 hours a week. I know that, I said. But you only work 28 hours, she said. I said that it wasn't true but okay, I'm in school. Oh, but that's the next problem, she said.
My 18 hours of school doesn't count. Why, you ask? Because I go to a university and I'm working on a college degree. Make sense to you? No? Good, we're together on this then. I told my case worker that I didn't understand. She said that the only way it could be counted would be if I went to a technical college or was taking GED classes. Oooooookaaaaaay...
I pointed out that I am taking these classes to get my degree in management so that I could become a manager at my current place of employment. She said, "It doesn't matter, it's a university." Slow blink? Yeah, I did too. I told her I can't afford to pay for my son to go to daycare. She said, "I understand that." You do? Really? Coulda fooled me.
Of course I cried. A lot. Because I am a single mom that can't afford to take care of my son who is my life. I am trying to better myself so I can give him a better life. I am working my ass off for him. I am giving up precious time WITH him FOR him. Do I blame him? Not at all. He doesn't even know we're suffering and have been since the day I found out I was pregnant with him.
What makes me so mad about this is I am trying to get OFF welfare by going to these classes and working as much as I do (which is well over 30 hours a week but the average fucked up my time). What I don't understand is why can women who OBVIOUSLY aren't trying to get off welfare, in fact, are very happy ON welfare, get EVERY fucking program out there? How can women walk into the DFCS office with their Coach purses and fake nails and Baby Phat clothes and no one bats an eye? Their job IS staying on welfare.
How the FUCK is that "assistance" for the needy?
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